


Apart

by AkaneRei



Series: Jeankasa Drabbles [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29334069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneRei/pseuds/AkaneRei
Summary: Jean has to get used to watching her from the sidelines
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein
Series: Jeankasa Drabbles [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149374
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers to ep 66

Jean had always been good at compartmentalizing. It’s part of what made him so good at assessing any given situation. He could see the big mess that was in front of him and move the pieces accordingly, in the most ordered and efficient manner, by locking away that other part of him--that weak part of him that was always on the verge of panicking and running away. That part that Marco always said helped him be the leader he was meant to be.

It served him well in his early days as a cadet, especially in the Battle at Trost, when that panic-ridden self had almost so overwhelmed him, he thought he was going to throw up. Luckily, Daz beat him to it, and seeing Yeager walking around with that same dogged determination had pushed that scared little Jean-bo so far down in his consciousness that only righteous anger and indignation had come out. 

It served him well as part of the Scouts Regiment; it allowed him to swallow back that bitter fear from choking him and enabled him to act in time to save Mikasa amidst the chaos that Commander Erwin had led them into in an effort to get Eren back from Reiner and Bertholdt. 

Of course, it had also served him well as part of Captain Levi’s special ops group and that mission to Shingansina. He recalled watching his fellow soldiers decimated until only a handful of them were left. He recalled the desperation he had to box away in order to come up with a plan to use the soldiers left to defeat Reiner. To use himself and his friends and Mikasa to defeat Reiner.

After all this time, he would have thought that it would get easier. Easier to clamp down on the fear that bubbled inside. Easier to make the right call, despite everything in him that might disagree. Easier to justify the killing of other humans even.

But every time he did it, it only got harder. Sometimes he wondered how long he could keep up the war within himself. 

And tonight...

While everything there is to him told him to go and enter the fray, to go and get her the hell out of there, there was also that part (his fucking brain, no less) that screamed how utterly foolish that would be and that there was nothing he could do but watch.

It was, after all, what the mission called for. He and his team had nothing left to do now but wait in the wings. Waited while the Titan shifters duked it out. Waited for the airship that will eventually take them home.

But while he waited, he watched.

“Jean, we’ve stalled the reinforcements,” Connie reported as soon as he and Sasha landed on the roof next to him.

He let out a small bit of tension at his friends’ arrival. Being away from them on missions was something he’d had to get used to, but there was always that sense of relief that came when he finally laid eyes on them.

“And the lights?” he asked as part of the update.

“They’re all in place,” replied Sasha, walking towards him and placing herself for the best vantage point in the area. 

“Everything going well?” Connie asked, his eyes alert to Jean’s intent gaze. Despite his looks, Connie had his moments of intuition and Jean would almost bet that his friend knew exactly how he was feeling.

“For the time being” he stated, looking back at the scene before him. “As long as we take that thing out in time.”

As long as Eren and Mikasa took that thing out in time. 

The battle between Eren and the War Hammer Titan was taking longer than he would have anticipated, and it was all he could do to stay put and wait. That Titan just kept getting back up despite Eren’s crushing its nape, and Mikasa’s direct hit with the thunder spears towards what was supposed to have been its vulnerable spot.

From his position, he could see most of the action. More importantly, he could see her.

Flying, twisting, and slicing through the air as if she were born to do it. Running on sides of buildings as if the laws of gravity were suspended just for her. No wasted movements. Elegant and precise in her execution. Beautiful and breathtaking to witness.

Jean could control his ODM gear as if it were an extension of his body, one of the best in the field, in fact; but, watching Mikasa Ackerman move around the War Hammer Titan and Eren’s Titan was a lesson both in art and in physics. Everyone else compared to her, with the notable exception of Captain Levi, looked like cadets on their first day of ODM training. The Ackermans were just of a different class. And truly, if it weren’t Mikasa’s life on the line, he would be more intent on studying the technique and learning from it, rather than watching with his heart in his throat. 

Wincing at every close call and fighting the pressing urge to go and help her. 

To abandon his post and sweep her away from the carnage. 

Like some goddamn tragic hero.

Except he was no hero, and Mikasa was certainly not some damsel in need of saving. Any move he might make to help her would result in some sort of insubordination, not to mention the highly probable loss of limb from one pissed off Ackerman. If Captain Levi didn’t grind him under his shoe, Jean was quite sure Mikasa would do the honors herself for his daring to interfere with her mission to protect Eren and bring him home. He knew his place on this board. And assisting Mikasa on the field was not it.

So he stayed put and waited on the rooftops.

He turned to his two closest friends. “But who knows?” his pessimistic self reared its ugly head, continuing to answer Connie’s question with the brutal honesty he was quite often known for. “Anything can happen at this point.” He could feel his friends looking at him with concern. Did he say too much? 

He gave his friends another quick look before putting his attention back to the fight. “What’s to come when this battle is over?” he speculated, almost to himself. “For us to know,” this time, he made sure to direct his words to the two idiots he’d come to care about, “we have to survive.” With a meaningful look exchanged with his friends, they continued to watch as Eren found the crystal encasing the War Hammer titan’s owner.

They were almost done.

Everything seemed to be going according to plan.

So it was difficult to first take in when the Jaw Titan appeared out of nowhere, it’s gaping maw ready for the kill. The Jaw Titan that was supposed to have been trapped alongside the Cart Titan, was about to undo all the plans Eren had painstakingly explained in his letters. Everything happening was so fast in his head. His own reactions and movements were like molasses. 

He was too far from her, too far to do anything to save her from herself.

Because he knew deep in his bones, that if the Jaw Titan were to succeed in eating Eren from his Attack Titan’s nape, Mikasa’s sense of self-preservation would go haywire in her attempt to save Eren and kill the Jaw Titan.

He had to do something.

But he was slow. 

So slow compared to the scene taking place before him.

And in the next moment, Captain Levi had appeared, saving Eren from getting eaten and therefore saving Mikasa indirectly.

He shook his head as he sprung himself into action and galvanized his team. There was no time for a sigh of relief. If the Jaw Titan was there, the Cart Titan likely was too, and the plan just took an unexpected turn. They needed to regroup.

As he wove his way through the city with his comrades, systematically attempting to avoid the barrage of rocks the Beast Titan had now started hurling at them, he thought of a plan. He knew what the next attack had to be and he waited for Armin to provide the much needed distraction.

And there it was. The explosion of light and noise that signaled Armin’s arrival. He would almost swear he could feel the heat coming from the port.

Armin’s timing couldn't be any better for it slowed down their enemies for a few moments. Not a lot, but enough for him and Sasha to have a semblance of a plan against the Cart Titan and the litany of bullets whizzing past their heads. This was his role.

He would trust Captain Levi to take care of the Beast Titan.

He would trust Mikasa and Eren to deal with the Jaw Titan and what’s left of War Hammer.

But the Cart Titan was the rest of the team’s responsibility. And he had a job to do. 

Leading his team against that Titan was a welcome distraction from the turmoil of watching Mikasa from the sidelines.

Because his job was now away from Mikasa.

Tonight’s mission was no different.

And while his rational compartmentalizing self knew that it was the right thing to do to either wait here in the rooftops or lead his team into a different skirmish, the less rational part of his soul cried out against every order, against every plan, against everything that put her away from him and instead put her next to the suicidal bastard.

For now, he just had to trust that she would come out alive.


End file.
